i cant stop this disaster, i cant fall any faster. november 11, 2007

Music has always been my escape. people that dont know me may not understand this, but none the less its the truth. i kind of think songs find you. you know ill be in a one of those undescribable moods and suddenly i hear a song that completly defines who i am in that moment. so for that time i envelop myself in that song, i learn it, live it, love it, and then as soon as im feeling better i let it go. Then one day im driving down the road and i hear a familiar voice on the radio, so i turn it up and its THAT song. Suddnely, im taken back to the time when i first heard it and im reminded of the person who fell so in love with it. Its almost like a photo album, something to remember who you used to be. I can remember the mood i was in, what type of day it was, and why i felt connected to the song to begin with.

I think people are losing that. Its really a tragedy that some people are killing bands and songs just because their that weeks cool band. to me it really sad because they miss that moment of rediscovery. its the best thing about a song...forgetting and finding it again. all in one moment not only do you find the song again, but you find yourself in that moment. i would hate to know that people miss that moment becuase they trying harder to fit in then to find out who they are. To me they have ruined alot of great bands, like fall out boy, mayday parade, hello goodbye, boys like girls and countless others. everyone should leave the music in the purest form. what the artist intended it to be and what we, the listners were intended to find.

what i have learned; april 22, 2007

I HAVE LEARNED THAT YOU CANT LIVE IN THE MOMENT...THAT JUST LEADS TO MISTAKES AND REGRETS...AND IN MY CASE SOME REALLY AKWARD SITUATIONS. I HAVE ALSO LEARNED THAT YOU ARE YOUR OWN WORST ENEMY...EVEN AT THE MOMENTS IN YOUR LIFE WHEN YOUR NOT TRYING TO BE. I CANT SPEAK FOR ANYONE ELSE REALLY...BUT FOR ME THIS I KNOW TO BE TRUE. I WISH IT WAS DIFFERENT...AND MOST DAYS I WISH I WAS DIFFERENT. I WISH I TRUSTED PEOPLE MORE AND OPENED UP A LITTLE EASIER. YOU CANT CHANGE YOURSELF...I LEARNED THAT TOO. YOU ARE YOU ARE AND ITS PROABABLY WHO YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN (OTH). THAT HOLDS A LOT OF TRUTH. YOU CAN ONLY WEAR A MASK TO THE WORLD FOR SO LONG, UNTILL EVENTUALLY YOU LET YOUR GUARD DOWN AND SOMEONE SEES THROUGH. I HAVE ALSO LEARNED THAT PEOPLE ARENT WHO YOU THINK THEY ARE. DESPITE BEST INTENTIONS PEOPLE LET YOU DOWN.

you can find it in the melody...March 18, 2007

Music gives way to alot of things if you really think about it. Well maybe not so much the music, but the lyrics really. Alot of times we hear a song and immediately we can relate. I think alot of times we use music to say the things that we can't quite say ourselves. Maybe to some people a song is just a song, but lately it seems more than just a beat and meaningless words. It seems like maybe those lyrics are more than words once written on the edge of a napkin and now a world-wide phenomenon, but maybe those lyrics are a voice. For some people maybe its their own voice they hear and to others it could be someone they love or maybe just someone they know. Maybe I'm taking this a little far, but if you know me you probably know I tend to do that. You know, overanalyze, overthink, overstress. To some people maybe they hear the melody. Those are the type of people who are totally into the beat and there just into having fun. And then you have the lyrics people. I guess thats me. Some people hear the melody in the song because its easier to have fun then to worry about what the person is actually saying, but for me im a lyrics kind of person, even though sometimes i don't always hear the happiest part of the song. I know that I never miss the point. I guess that part of being a lyrics person, you know analyzing every word and constantly listening to the song to pick apart the lyrics. But yeah, Im kind of rambling so Im going to try and wrap this up. I guess music is important because for alot of people its the voice that they cannot find within themselves....and know matter if youre a lyrics or melody person you can relate to that. I think thats why music plays such an important role in our lives, because it gives way to the emotions that we can't express, and some people need that well to be honest most people need that kind of constent in their lives, because no matter how hectic life gets the words to a song never change, i guess thats why im a lyrics person. The consistency that it brings is what i need.

fear; november 12, 2006

THE MORE I GET TO KNOW PEOPLE THE MORE I UNDERSTAND HOW AFRAID THEY REALLY ARE. EVERYDAY I SEE PEOPLE THAT ARE SO AFRAID OF WHAT MAY HAPPEN THAT THE LOOSE THEIR ABILITY TO LET GO. SOMETIMES, THE VERY THING YOU HOLD ON TO THE HARDEST IS THE THING YOU WOULD MOST LIKE TO GIVE UP. MAYBE YOU HOLD ON BECAUSE YOUR SCARED THAT THERES NOTHING ELSE OUT THERE... SO YOU HOLD ON OUT OF SELFISHNESS... OR MAYBE YOUR TO SCARED OF WHAT OTHER PEOPLE MAY THINK. MAYBE YOUR SCARED...NOT OF WHAT YOU WILL LOOSE BUT OF WHAT YOU MAY OR MAY NOT FIND. YOU THINK, WHAT IF THIS IS AS GOOD AS IT GETS FOR ME, END OF THE LINE, THE BEST IT CAN EVER BE. SO INSTEAD OF EMBRACING THE CHANGE AND LETTING GO TO WHAT HAS BEEN LOST YOU HOLD ON... BECAUSE AT LEAST IF YOUR SUFFERING THE PAIN IS FAMILIAR... BECAUSE WHO KNOWS, IF YOU STEP OUTSIDE OF YOUR BOX OR DO SOMETHING UNEXPECTED WHO KNOWS WHAT MIGHT BE OUT THERE WAITING ON YOU...AND CHANCES ARE IT COULD BE WORSE. I DONT THINK THE PEOPLE WHO HOLD ON TIGHTLY ARE THE ONES WHO ARE DESPEARATELY CLINGING TO THAT LAST BIT OF HOPE; BUT THEIR THE ONES THAT ARE TYRING TO HOLD ON FOR ALL THE WRONG REASONS (FEAR, SELFISHNESS, IMAGE, ETC.)...THE REASONS THAT IN THE END EITHER HELP YOU TO FAIL MISERABLY OR CAUSE YOU SEVERE UNHAPPINESS. THIS HAS BEEN ALOT OF MY LIFE... SEEING PEOPLE HOLD ON AND FAIL TO BECOME HAPPY... AND HONESTLY IM REALLY TIRED OF SEEING IT. IF SOMETHING ISNT GOING TO WORK OUT THEN YOU CANT FIX IT BY HOLDING ON EVEN TIGHTER. SOME PEOPLE VIEW THIS AS STEPPING UP...TRYING TO SALVAGE AND SAVE WHATS NOT REALLY THEIR.. BUT ME, I CALL THIS PUSHING BACK... HOLDING ON TO WHATS FAMILIAR BECAUSE ITS EASIER AND TRYING TO SAVE WHATS NOT THERE BECAUSE YOUR TO SCARED TO CHANGE OR FACE WHAT ELSE IS OUT THER. BUT IF YOU SPEND ALL YOUR TIME TRYING TO SAVE SOMETHING THATS NOT THERE, WELL THATS PRETTY UNFAMILIAR ISNT IT?

a few annoyances...october 27, 2006

1. STEREOTYPES: THIS IS BY FAR MY BIGGEST ANNOYANCE. SINCE WHEN DO OTHER PEOPLE FEEL THE NEED TO CLASSIFY A CERTAIN GROUP. IT REALLY BUGS ME HOW PEOPLE CAN JUST CLASSIFY SOMEONE AS A CHEERLEADER OR A PREP AND THEN JUST ASSUME THAT THEY LISTEN TO LIKE BRITNEY SPEARS ! HOW GAY! OR FOR THAT MATTER, THAT SOMEONE IS GOTH AND THEN PEOPLE SUDDENLY ASSUME THEIR WIERD OR JUST TO UNLIKE YOU TO EVER GIVE THEM A MOMENT OF YOUR TIME! HUMANS ARE COMPLEX ANIMALS WITH MORE THAN JUST ONE PART ABOUT THEM. I AM NOT JUST A CHEERLEADER, JUST A SMART KID, OR JUST A GOODY- GOODY (AS SOME PEOPLE BELIEVE) I AM MORE THAN THAT. AND SO IS EVERYONE ELSE THAT WE GIVE A STEREOTYPE TO. WE NEVER KNOW WHATS GOING ON IN SOMEONE ELSES LIFE, AND THEN TO ADD ON TOP OF IT KIDS FEEL THE NEED TO CLASSIFY OTHERS BECAUSE OF THE CHOICES THEY MAKE. NOW I AM CERTAINLY NOT SAYING THAT I NEVER DO THIS! I AM HUMAN, BUT I AM ALSO AWARE OF MY PROBLEM AND IM CURRENTLY REALLY TRYING TO WORK ON IT. SO IF YOU READ THIS AND FEEL LIKE I HAVE STEREOTYPED YOU, IM SORRY NOTHING PERSONAL REALLY, AND I OBVIOUSLY THINK YOUR A COOL PERSON CONSIDERING I DID APPROVE YOU OR ADD YOU!

2. LITTERING: FOR GOODNESS SAKE WHY CAN'T PEOPLE JUST PICK UP THEIR TRASH! IF YOUR DRINKING A DRINK AND YOUR THROUGH WITH IT, WALK YOUR BUTT OVER TO THE NEAREST GARBAGE CAN AND THROW IT AWAY... CHANCES ARE THERE IS ONE WITHIN JUST A FEW FEET OF YOU! AGAIN, NOT SAYING I HAVE NEVER DONE THIS, BUT LIKE THE OTHER SOMETHING I AM TRYING TO STOP!

3. SOCIAL GROUPS: OK, SO THIS KIND OF GOES ALONG WITH NUMBER ONE, BUT NOT REALLY. BECAUSE OF STEREOTYPING, PEOPLE END UP IN CERTAIN SOCIAL GROUPS AND THEN FEEL THE NEED TO STICK WITHIN THEM .I AM JUST AS GUILTY OF THIS AS ANYONE, BUT NOT BECAUSE I REFUSE TO TALK TO OTHER TYPES OF PEOPLE, BUT BECAUSE I ADMIT I AM SCARED OF WHAT THEY MAKE THINK. EVEN WITHIN WHAT IS PERCIEVED TO BE THE POPULAR CROWD, THE PEOPLE WITHIN IT STILL DEAL WITH FEAR, DOUBT, AND SELF-CONCIOUSNESS; JUST AS EVERY OTHER HUMAN BEING DOES. SO TO EVERYONE READING THIS, I ENCOURAGE YOU ALL TO STEP OUTSIDE YOUR SOCIAL GROUP AND BEFRIEND SOMEONE YOU NORMALLY WOULDN'T!

4. HOMOSEXUALITY: OK, SO I AM PROBABLY GONNA GET LIKE SHOT OR SOMETHING FOR POSTING THIS, BUT WHATEVER! MY TAKE ON GAY PEOPLE ARE LET THEM BE. THERE NOT RUINING THE ENVIRONMENT, THERE NOT HURTING YOU, AND THEIR NOT KILLING ANYONE. IF THEIR NOT AFFECTING YOUR LIFE IN A DIRECT WAY, LET THEM BE. I DON'T CONDONE THEIR BEHAVIOR ANY MORE THAN ANYONE ELSE, BUT I DO NOT BELIEVE THAT THEY ARE THE WORST PERSON IN THE WORLD BECAUSE OF IT. IF THATS HOW SOMEONE CHOOSES TO LIVE THEIR LIFE IM NOT GOING TO ABANDON THEM BECAUSE OF IT. SURE, ITS WRONG; BUT ITS NOT LIKE TH FLU. YOUR NOT GOING TO CATCH IT BY TALKING TO ONE OF THEM! SO WOULD EVERYONE JUST HUSH ABOUT ALL THIS DUMB CRAP ON GAY PEOPLE, THEY CAN'T HELP WHO THEY LIKE ONCE THEY ARE SET IN THEIR MIND AND WAYS THAT THEY ARE GAY, ANYMORE THAN WE CAN. SO TO ANYONE WHOSE OFFENDED: IM NOT SAYING I ACCEPT THIS OR APPROVE OF IT, BUT IM SAYING I DONT REALLY CARE AND THEY CAN DO THAT IF IT MAKES THEM HAPPPY; LIFE IS SHORT PEOPLE!

a poem i wrote...october 12, 2006

To Wish Impossible Things*

Is it possible to truly love someone

that doesn't love you back

to hope desperately for more

with all the emotions that lack.

To wish impossible things

that are to far from the truth

to want something so badly

in a time of lonely youth.

A time in which everything you feel

is nothing more to them

to believe in something tragically unreal.

A moment in which time seems to stand still.

To be willing to give up everything,

for the hopes of them and you,

if only your feelings,

could become theirs too.

Maybe, you could finally wake up.

old...august 12, 2006

IN THE MOMENT, HIGH SCHOOL SEEMS SO IMPORTANT. HAVING THE RIGHT CLOTHES, THE RIGHT FRIENDS, BEING "COOL" WITH THE POPULAR CLICK (BUT WHAT IS THAT REALLY? WHAT MAKES ONE GROUP ANY BETTER THEN THE OTHER), DATING THE CUTEST GUY, AND SLACKING OFF BECAUSE MAYBE ITS NOT THAT COOL TO BE SMART. BUT EVERYONE HAS GOT TO STOP LIVING IN THE MOMENT WITHOUT A CARE IN THE WORLD. SURE, A BAD DAY WILL COME, BUT THEN IT WILL BE GONE, A GUY MAY BREAK YOUR HEART, BUT ITS GODS PLAN AND THATS NOT HOW THINGS WERE SUPPOSED TO END UP. BETTER DAYS WILL COME, SO DONT GET YOURSELF TO WORKED UP ABOUT STUFF. NO MATTER WHO YOU ARE, WHAT YOU DO NOW WILL AFFECT YOUR FUTURE IN SOME WAY. IT SEEMS THESE DAYS AS IF EVERYONE LIVES IN THE HERE AND NOW, AND NO ONE REALLY CARES ABOUT WHATS GONNA HAPPEN PAST HIGH SCHOOL, PAST PROM, PAST HOMECOMING, OR GRADUATION. DONT GET ME WRONG HIGH SCHOOL IS SUPPOSED TO BE FUN, BUT YOU CANT HAVE A CARELESS ATTITUDE... CAREFREE MAYBE, BUT CARELESS NO. LOOK TOWARDS THE FUTURE BUT DONT GET SO CAUGHT UP THAT YOU CANT ENJOY THE PRESENT. BE WHO YOU ARE AND NEVER BE ASHAMED OF IT. STANDING OUT IS SO MUCH BETTER THAN TRYING TO FIT IN OR JUST BEING LIKE EVERYONE ELSE. SO LOOK BEYOND HIGH SCHOOL AND PETTY DRAMA THAT NEVER SEEMS TO GO AWAY, BETTER THINGS ARE AWAITING YOU IF YOU WILL ALLOW YOURSELF TO HAVE THEM. OPPURTUNITY IS OUT THERE, CARPE DIEM! SIEZE THE DAY!